Funny how I’ve always heard that “the one with the most toys wins.” But then I tried all of the toys and didn’t feel like a winner. I just had a lot of crap to keep up with and maintain. (Other than the dirt bike that I still thoroughly enjoy.) But as I get older, I am coming to a much greater revelation. The revelation that the more I die to my life – my desires, my goals, my ideals, my right to be right – the more satisfied I feel. Doesn’t make any sense, I know. But I’ve gained a lot of experience fighting in the past 50 years and I am starting to realize: I’ve been doing it wrong. I need to have someone else fight for me. That’s what I’ve always wanted. I just didn’t know how to get there.
I have also learned that it’s not easy not to fight. I fight instinctually. AND I’ve spent a lifetime perfecting my fight. When I fight, I fight with my entire being. It’s exhausting. I used to be proud of that fact. Not so much any more. As I get older, I am learning that I don’t need to fight. Most importantly, I’ve learned that I don’t gain in the fight.
About 15 years ago, I was in a battle I couldn’t win. But I fought. I fought every sense of it. I even fought it in my sleep. Then one day, God prompted me to the possibility that HE is my defense – that HE, in fact, wanted to fight for me. I didn’t believe it, but quite frankly, I was so tired of fighting on my own that I gave in. I was just tired enough of fighting that I wanted to try something different.
He didn’t defend me the way I wanted but His way was much better.
I’m still learning. It’s a process that I “practice” every day. When I feel myself starting to react, I have to stop and quiet myself in the “rest” of not fighting. I stop and choose to relinquish my rights.
The hardest part of not fighting is when I think I’m right. (Surprise!) I am learning that the goals I have are short-sighted. The passions I have are eternally limited. And that I still have a lot to learn. I want to live an adventurous life but I’ve always done that on my terms, and quite frankly, it’s had some dastardly repercussions.
So how do I proceed in a life in which I can’t see what’s ahead of me? I trust. UGH …. I’ve never really done that before. Never really been taught to trust. But trust is the key. I have to trust.
I have to trust that God has it all worked out for me. How do I know? Because the book says so – Yep. That’s all I’ve got. Frustrating sometimes? Yep. If I lose sight of whose battle it is – I get frustrated. But if I relinquish my rights in the fight, it always seems to work itself out. Not in some super fairy kind of way, but in a quiet exhale kind of way. Simply. Not like trying to drive a square peg in a round hole with a hammer.
So, I’m learning. I’m just along for the ride. I’ve got some great ideas but I will lay those down also. If they are God’s, He will use them (that’s where they came from anyway – I just took credit). If not, they probably weren’t that good anyway. Good things come and good things go but everything ALWAYS works out for the best. Simply. Without a fight.
SO just remember the first one to die wins. Save your energy … don’t die in the fight. Die to the fight … then watch and see what happens. You are going to be satisfied with the results, I promise.