I Was a MESS

I was a hurt little pup … and when a person is hurt they hurt others. Most importantly, when a person is hurt they start believing lies. My lies began when I was very young. My parents divorced when I was in first grade. From that point on, I believed I wasn’t as good as others. I wore the shame of divorce like the proverbial scarlet letter. Somehow I became a second-class citizen. THAT, among other things, set my dysfunctional course in motion. Living a “lesser life” made me “settle” in a lot of different ways. THAT single lie and a lot more dysfunctional fertilizer almost cost me my life.

27 years later, sift into the mix: addiction, abortion, depression, and divorce. By the time I was 35 years old I was a walking mess. I wanted to die. If it weren’t for two beautiful little girls, I would have been happy to make that happen. I needed help and I needed it badly. I finally cried out to a God that I had heard of but I REALLY didn’t believe in. Sadly enough if you had asked me I would have adamantly argued that I was a Christian. A Christian that doesn’t KNOW God?! How does that work? Trust me – It doesn’t! I told God if he were real to “PROVE IT!” (Probably not real smart to get sassy with God but looking back it was probably my sassiness that kept me alive.)

THAT choice was one of the best I ever made. That’s when my life began to change. Shortly thereafter I ended up in church. A different kind of church. A church that had “LIFE” and wanted to disciple me to KNOW God not just know of him. It certainly wasn’t the first time I had been to church but most of the other times had ended badly or were completely uneventful, which added to my futility. I even had a pastor follow me home from church one Sunday in his toupee and his convertible. (That day I was glad I hadn’t met Jesus yet.) Shortly after starting a new church, I signed up to have a session with a prayer minister. No, ACTUALLY someone “dared me” to have a session with a prayer minister. (And folks say God doesn’t have a sense of humor?!) I can honestly say (even still to this day) it was one of the craziest things I have ever experienced in my life.

Basically God showed me in the very first session that my life was hell not because of my childhood but because of how I had reacted to my childhood. I had lived a life of accusation, blame, resentment and bitterness (just to name a few) and quite frankly it was killing me. In one single session God healed me from a lifetime of pain relating to my perception of my past. I didn’t even know that pain was there. It became so real and so prevalent that I could feel the pain physically during our prayer session. My perception of my childhood had colored the lens of my entire belief system and NOT for the better. Most of the things that I believed about my life weren’t even true. So I surrendered the lies that I believed (granted I did it only in obedience to the prayer minister’s trust in God’s word. I had no faith of my own to believe in.) From that day forward my life changed. My perception was different. The lens of my life was different. I felt different physically but wanted to see if there was a difference in my spiritual life.

In looking back, I know that I had a resurrection experience that day. I knew (and still know) that if it (prayer ministry) worked for me (lost, ashamed, addicted, angry, rebellious, unforgiving, wounded, etc.) it (prayer ministry) would work for anybody. Quite frankly, that’s why I have committed my life to leading others to God and to healing. I was desperate and God met me in my desperation. I had cried out to God many times in so many different ways but felt no reprieve. That was almost 20 years ago. Am I done? HECK NO!!! I’ve got a long way to go but I don’t have the luggage I used to have. I am still pursuing my identity. But I no longer have to strive. My identity is complete and it’s in Christ. I don’t have to make things happen. I don’t have to fight any longer or wrestle the lies. I can rest and trust someone else to fight my battles. I’ve got a long way to go but there’s more peace than pain and more life than lack … and my identity is anything but boring. God is crazy, amazing, frustrating, and exhilarating (We don’t even have time to list all of the adjectives) and I’m just like HIM. He has a plan for me and HIS plan is wayyyy better than what I had going on … SO, I say, today, TO GOD, in recognition of your resurrection, thanks for my resurrection. Thanks for proving yourself to me. And most importantly, thank you that you loved me too much to leave me the way I was OR the way that I am … I look forward to what you are going to do next! And folks say God is boring. Lol … Not if you know HIM.